The last days of pregnancy have always been the ones that feel the longest for me. Even though I definitely enjoy being pregnant, there is a certain sense of anticipation and feeling fed up that indicates to me the end is near. This is the time when my body begins to feel stretched to the max, heavy, and exhausted. For this journey, I was feeling so ready to be done and also super excited to reunite baby with his Dad. I couldn’t wait to see them together.

Every evening I would have a bath and meditate or listen to my affirmations. Every night I would fall asleep listening to my GentleBirth Positive Induction of Labour track…as a way to coax my body and baby to begin the process.

Because I was doing a VBAC and because the pregnancy was an IVF one, I had a certain list of contingencies in place. The biggest one being that it was deemed to be most appropriate for me to not go too many days past 40 weeks. And I wholeheartedly agreed with this. I was ready for baby to come out. Plus, there was the small detail of baby’s size. He was apparently going to be a big baby, how big was yet to be determined. I was supposed to have an ultrasound the day before my due date, the same day I had my last biophysical, to get a guesstimate on his size, but the Dr. was not able to (or more accurately, she said there was no room to fit me in that particular day, haha!). So off I went, back home to do more walking, more ball bouncing and pumping…as had been my routine for the last week. Despite my efforts to kickstart labour and a couple attempts at a stretch and sweep by my OB (my cervix was actually too posterior she couldn’t do it–I was OK with that), baby stayed in until he felt good and ready. At my last OB appt she suggested we schedule a foley bulb induction on the day I hit 40 weeks. My body had been doing prep stuff for a couple weeks now, I knew it wouldn’t be much longer…and if I got to 40 weeks and still no baby, then at least in this way, we still had some time to get labour started. I didn’t really want to have a planned cesarean nor did I want to do a medicated induction because of my previous cesareans.

So the night before I was to go in to get the foley in, labour started on its own. That whole day I had been losing my plug in bits throughout the day. It was actually the most fascinating thing, as this didn’t happen with my other babies. I remember having one past run-in with a mucus plug with baby #2, but it all came out at once. This slow and steady gig was annoying (and a little gross I must admit) but utterly fascinating! The wisdom of the body always continues to amaze me. I didn’t expect labour to start that day, but I was really happy to feel that first strong contraction at 12:03 am of April 17, 2019, my due date.

The first contraction was so intense, that there was no doubt about whether it was labour or not. And the contractions kept on that way, strong and close together. I was also having this continual mild burning sensation in the lower front part of my uterus, that I made a metal note to keep an eye on. I remembered feeling that sensation with my other VBAC labours, so I wasn’t too concerned.

The intensity of the early labour phase did surprise me. I had envisioned staying home for a while and labouring in the bath. I had planned for my Midwife to come to my house and monitor me and baby for a while before heading to the hospital for the last hurrah. But as I felt how everything was unfolding and what my body was doing, this plan was quickly ditched and replaced with me and my hubby scrambling to gather my things and call everyone that needed to be called so we could head to the hospital.

The car ride to the hospital was absolutely awful. But as with all challenging things in my life, I set my mind to get it done. It was hard but I had to do it. So I put my earphones in and listened to my GentleBirth tracks (for this particular journey, I listed to Labour Companion). I stayed in the backseat, on hands and knees because the sensations were so intense, I could not bear sitting down. I was grateful it was the middle of the night, so there was no traffic. And grateful for my hubby’s fine driving skills….he has driven me in labour to the hospital many times, he’s learned a thing or two haha!

When we arrived at the hospital doors, my Midwife was already there waiting. It was soothing to have her presence as we made our way to Labour and Delivery on the third floor. I was already deeply in my zone, looking back now, the memories are tinged with a sense of time distortion and everything seems like it was swirling around me. I stayed grounded within and focusing on my breath and what was occurring within my body.

I remember my doula arriving. I remember pretty much imploring to have my back pressed on with every single contraction. I remember my husband being there and then saying he had to leave cause the kids would be waking up soon and he had to help get everyone ready and out the door for school. I remember baby’s Dad arriving and knowing he was anxiously waiting in the family waiting area. I remember my photographer arriving. I remember breathing, breathing, breathing. I remember being so deeply within that nothing around me mattered. I remember arching my back and only being comfortable in that position. I remember the agonizing moments of getting my cervix checked (with my consent, but it still sucked…but yay great progress!). And I remember repeating the running stream of affirmations in my mind, “I am strong, I am powerful, I am safe”. But most of all, I remember all the while that I knew…I knew deep down that something wasn’t quite right.

After a particularly intense contraction, after I’d been labouring for about 5 hours, I opened my eyes for the first time in a while and said, “I know this may seem crazy because everything is looking good, but I want a c-section. Something just doesn’t feel right. I need a c-section and I need it to happen quickly.”

After that everything sped up. I am so grateful no one questioned me or tried to encourage me to try longer. The support I received at this time made all the difference in the world to me. I quickly had an IV put in, I was helped by my nurse into operating room attire, I filled out consent forms and signed in lots of different places. It was hard to be hit with bright lights and the hustle and bustle of prepping after being in a dark, calm cocoon, but I knew I needed this and I was anxious to get to the OR as fast as possible. Thankfully, I did not have to wait long. The anesthesiologist prepared everything quickly. I will be forever grateful for his calming, grounding presence. Getting the spinal anesthesia in was hard for me to endure. I had to stay very still and hunched over forward…which was the exact opposite position my body was guiding me to be in. I yelled a lot for this part! I am sure I must have seemed out of control to the OR staff. But I assure you that yelling was the only way I felt I could maintain my sense of control. Once the medication was in, I was instructed to lay down on the OR table, but it took a while for the meds to kick in. I was starting to wonder if it had even worked, and then the anesthesiologist told them to tilt the bed up, so my legs could be up in the air. And this did the trick! Within seconds, I felt the wave of numbness come over my upper body and I couldn’t feel anything but gentle pressure.

Once I was all set up, they let Baby Dad in. He was buzzing with excitement and so nurturing and caring towards me. He held my hand as we waited. Within a few minutes the team all assembled, introduced themselves, and they got to work. It only took a few minutes for baby to be born. They lowered the blue drape and we could see him be born through the clear drape. He was out and he was perfect!!! I have never felt such sweet, all-encompassing relief! Relief because he was safe, because he was here, because I felt my body sigh as he was released from me and there was space for my internal organs again, But mostly for a reason I was not able to explain right away but that overwhelmed me with a flood of relief.

I soon found out that the increasingly intense burning sensation I had been feeling during the labour was actually my old cesarean scar tissue stretching and thinning out slowly but steady, to the point of almost rupturing. As soon as the OB ensured baby was out, I was safe and as she put me back together, she started explaining how thin my uterus was and the significance of the situation. And then it all made sense. Somehow, I was not entirely surprised, I think because all along my body had been telling me. But I was grateful I listened to my intuition and my body to do what I needed to do. She gently started a conversation about my future plans for pregnancies, explaining that with this near-emergency and having had another cesarean (that would be 3 under my belt) it may not be the most optimal option…and I reassured her that I was absolutely 100% D.O.N.E! No more babies for me. It was always my intention to finish off my fertility journey with Baby Max. Five is plenty for this gal!

The moments after the birth were full of joy and excitement. The moment we first saw Baby Max, it was love at first sight. He was so full of light and was he ever cute! And yep, he was a big boy…weighing in at 9lbs 8z. and 23 inches long. I have no idea how he was curled up inside me, I did not feel like I was carrying around a nine-pounder! All my own babies were in the 7 pound range, and my first baby (who was born premature) was only 4lbs! So this was definitely a new experience for me.

Everyone who cared for me and baby was wonderful and I cannot sing their praises enough! I will forever be grateful to all the medical personnel that took part in our care during our 2 day stay at the hospital.

Baby Dad and I had planned to feed Baby Max breastmilk, in addition to formula. It was so special to have Baby Max latch on and nurse like a pro. After feeding him at the breast for the first night, I decided I needed to get some rest and that Baby and Dad needed to be together almost 100% of the time, so I switched to pumping. Every 3rd or 4th feeding I would put baby to breast just to ease my body into having my milk come in. It still took about 3 days for the mature milk to come in. I was home by then, having only spent two nights at the hospital. It was nice to get home to my bed, my familiar surroundings and my family. I set up my routine to be exclusively restful and gladly accepted all offers of help.

Baby Max and his Dad went to their AirBnB. I would pump and drop off the milk each day, and got to visit with them for a while each day. I marveled at how calm, chill and relaxed Baby Max was. Even past the first night (when most babies are sweet sleeping angels)…he continued to sleep well and feed well and not cry inconsolably. And I was so proud and my heart was full of joy to see my friend become a Dad before my eyes. It was such a special transformation to witness. I am so grateful that my surrogacy journey allowed for me to have this special transition time with them. I will always cherish those memories.

I continued pumping for the duration of their stay. Paperwork had to be done, legal proceedings needed to happen all so baby could be legally adopted by his Dad (leave it to our province to have outdated protocols, we do not have a legal surrogacy agreement, so this means I had to relinquish my legal rights as a parent and have them transferred to baby’s Dad. Also we had to have a court sitting with a judge so the birth certificate could be redone without my name on it and with Dad’s name on it as the legal parent). Then we had to apply to get baby a passport. All this took time. But it was a relaxing time for healing, bonding and…shopping! Baby Max certainly built up a stylish wardrobe to take home with him.

After a month, everything was wrapped up. Passport in hand and bags packed, we had a nice farewell dinner with Baby Max and his Dad, my family, the AirBnB hosts and a few other friends of theirs. Baby’s Dad has a magnetic personality and makes friends wherever he goes! It was a lovely way to say goodbye.

We have stayed in touch. I get a picture of baby Max regularly and an update about what he’s up to. Rolling over, babbling, and all that cuteness babies are up to.

So, here I am almost 6 months postpartum and finally getting around to writing and sharing my surrogacy birth story. It took me this long to sit down and write because I have been fully enthralled and immersed in a new project of mine. But with it being Thanksgiving weekend, I reflected on some undone business and this came out top of my list. Writing down my experience is my way preserving these memories and helping out others who may be considering being a surrogate (or using a surrogate for their family journey).

My surrogacy journey was an amazing experience. I know everyone has their own unique journeys. There is no one way to do anything. The beauty of freewill and choice is that there are so many ways to do things and options available to us. If I know one thing for certain, it’s that we each choose what a positive pregnancy and childbirth journey means to us.

For me, positive meant being informed, actively involved in my care throughout the pregnancy and labour, and making decisions based on not only information/facts, but also my intuition. As a doula, I have seen a trend towards making natural birth the be-all-end all in maternity land, not always, but there does seem to be a growing desire for more natural-focused care. Which is very important and yes, has many benefits. And there are so many protocols and procedures that do need to be updated to reflect best-care and evidence-based practices…and these usually involve more hands-off approaches.

But not all moms can do this and not all babies can be born safely this way. I am an advocate for listening to our body and our intuition. And the truth is that listening to our body doesn’t automatically mean a natural birth. Sometimes listening to our body means knowing we need assistance to safely delivery our baby(ies).

Before I sign off and end this (book-like) post…I want to say that GentleBirth was a game changer for me. I have had 4 babies without GentleBirth and one with. One of the reasons I was excited to be a surrogate was because I wanted to do an experiment, with myself as the subject. It is by no means an actual experiment, but I wanted to compare the birthing experience for myself without using GentleBirth and using it. I had seen how beneficial it has been for my clients, and I wanted to see how I personally felt using it for my own journey. I began listening to the tracks in the weeks leading up to my embryo transfer (to prepare my body for pregnancy), and used them all the way up until about 2 months postpartum (they have cesarean healing tracks as well). I felt calm, confident, informed and advocated for myself with the same confidence I felt within. I encountered many challenges during the pregnancy and birth…and not once did I lose my grip, feel lost or unsure, or feel out of control, and most importantly I did not feel traumatized by any of the things that happened. I credit this largely to the re-wiring of my brain that came from meditating and doing hypnosis daily.

And, I fully believe that because I lived, breathed and soaked in peace and calm during the entire journey, Baby Max also felt the effects. A calm, low-stress in-utero environment definitely has an impact on the fetus’ brain and overall development (check out the emerging field of fetal mental health for more fascinating information and facts). I also went to get regular Reiki sessions and did yoga every day. Walking 5km every day (or every other day near the end of pregnancy) also helped keep me physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.

Again, this was MY way of defining and having a positive experience and journey. I encourage anyone reading this who is planning to or going to be having a baby, to get the take-home message that you don’t have to do what I did, you just have to do your research, find out your options, and choose what works for YOU. And most importantly tune-in to yourself, because only you know how to figure out your way of getting the positive experience you deserve.

I also could not have had such a wonderful experience without the unconditional support of some very key people. Being Thanksgiving and all, I want to take a moment to acknowledge them.

To my husband: I love you so much. I am forever grateful for your support and understanding and your amazing foot rubs every single night…even though this was not your baby, you took care of me and supported me. I know it was weird for you and even though you didn’t really understand why I had to do this, you loved and supported me unconditionally throughout the whole journey. You are my rock and the definition of a true partner.

To my children: thank you for being open and excited with me about this journey. I know it was hard at times to understand, but you were so open minded and open hearted and took care of me during all the ups and downs….from morning (aka all day sickness) to helping me with things, especially those things that required me to bend over to do! Haha! I love you all so much and am super proud of you for supporting me through this. Part of the reason I wanted to do this, was to expose you to the many ways we can create families and also to show you the power of kindness, sacrifice and selflessness. I hope when you’re all grown up and you look back at this journey we went through, you see the value in the lessons you have learned.

To Baby Max’s Dad: Dear friend, thank you. Thank you for trusting me fully with your precious baby. Thank you for being a supportive, considerate and trusting Intended Parent. I know it must have been so hard not being able to control what was happening, but I hope you felt secure and safe knowing I only had Baby’s well-being at heart. It was an honour to be his home for the first few months of his life. I am so happy for you and so proud to see what a wonderful father you are. I wish you and your beautiful family all the very best!

To my parents: Thank you for being there for me and my kids. You were so helpful and willing to do whatever I needed help with. It meant so much to me to have your full support…and also to see you excited for this new little family to be created. Los amo mucho!

To all my supportive friends and extended family: Oh…my dear ones, I have no words to describe how full my heart is knowing you were there for me and supporting, encouraging me and cheering me on. And offering help, food and time for rest and self-care. I love you all and am so grateful to have you in my life.

There were many more people along the journey who I also owe many thanks: Proud Fertility, my lovely Midwives and office staff at the Midwifery clinic, all the medical staff at the OB clinic and hospital, my beautiful and nurturing doula, my super talented photographer (who also did my maternity photo shoot), my surrogate sisters who I met because of this journey, and so many people who were seemingly strangers, but who celebrated this journey with me by being so encouraging, I thank you all too from the bottom of my heart!

I am always happy to chat about my experience, and if anyone ever has any questions, don’t hesitate to send me an email.

To hear the first part of my surrogacy journey, check out this post I wrote earlier in the pregnancy: The Journey That Started With a Dream

XO,

Kat